Lâm Tịnh Trì, recently known as Kennith “K0u” Dawnix, passed away on December 1 following an attempted suicide in November. K0u’s former teammate, Nikolai “Mood” Martinsen, announced his passing. Likely out of respect to the family, the manner of his final departure remains ambiguous.
K0u has been apart of the competitive League of Legends scene since 2013, during LoL esports’ infancy. He competed in 18 different teams throughout his career, including teams like Cloud9 Eclipse and Ninjas in Pajamas. K0u’s dedication to the scene awarded him 12 first-place finishes in tournaments, like the EU Challenger Series.
But despite his apparent career success, K0u hid chronic suffering. Before his initial suicide attempt, he released a manifesto detailing his truest thoughts.
K0u shared his nihilistic outlook. For him, life held no deeper meaning.
“Why do we live?” Kou asked. “This has been bothering me for a while now. I have always been questioning my existence for years. However as much as I would like to believe. My conclusion is. There is no purpose. There is no reason why you exist. You simply exist. If you cease to exist, it will still continue without you. Life has no deeper meaning to it.”
He testified to his prolonged battle with depression. He was frustrated. But K0u viewed his eventual suicide attempt as a victory. He framed it as a decision made through his own power.
“That means I’m not going to be suppressed by some mere insignificant ‘depression’. Never will I give you power. Never will it break me. Never will it control me. Never will it eat me. Life is what I rule. So, I must face my problems head on and overcome it.”
People struggling with their mental health are often suggested to seek professional help, but truly K0u felt alone. He confessed to living life with a mask, transforming his own identity to fit in and seek out normality. For him, suicide was his answer.
“It’s like I have a switch and it turns on automatically depending on the situation on how I need to act and behave, I am then assigned to a role,” stated K0u. “Boom! Suddenly I’m just an actor where I’m ‘blending’ in with my script’. The masquerade show is now about to begin… I feel absolutely disgusted over it, to the point where I feel inhuman.”
After his suicide attempt in November, K0u returned to his manifesto to provide an additional entry. Nothing improved for him. His state of mind grew more unstable, as anyone might in his position. He concluded his addendum with a tragic final insight.
“Tell that to me after you really understand ‘suicide’,” concluded Kou. “The fact that I’m so cornered and there are no other options than this. I can assure you, it’s a completely different world. Me being ‘alive’ means running away for me. Everything I do, everywhere I go, everything I feel. Is death.”
It’s likely that few ever knew K0u as he truly felt. Tragically, only when someone passes is usually when others reach out the most.
But even though K0u hid so much of himself, Lâm Tịnh Trì’ is still a valued member of the esports community. One can only hope that measures are taken to help prevent such a tragedy from befalling anybody ever again.
Written by Devon Huge